The following showed up in an email that's been passed around and around. I don't know where it came from and I don't know where to give attribution....but there's a lot of truth to if and it made me laugh. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving....and remember, don't take any food to someone's house that wiggles more than you do! ~~Lynn
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to
me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you
might consider being
with me for my
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two.
Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and
practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil
used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to
the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s
house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to
God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and
save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided
that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates
and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and
that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas
A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The” no cans for
kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your
children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents
can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on
them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in
the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.
Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you
shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That
is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At
my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing
new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing
without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean
casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so
good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being
healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people
here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera
pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is
coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has
lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your
way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live
with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me
repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring
anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the
quantity I said. Really. This doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery
or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now
that you have kids.
13. Showing up
for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be
The election is over
so I’ll watch what I say and you will do the same. If we all stick to
that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good time but it
will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge
will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine
anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I mean it really!